DON'T EVER LOVE A MAN MORE THAN YOURSELF: THE STORY OF HOW I CAME TO CHRIST AND STARTED MY FIRST MINISTRY

​​This is a picture of Jade and I at my first ministry where I experienced one of the most impactful moments with God.  

Sorry It's so blurry! It's an old, copied but extremely cherished photo that I hold near and dear to my heart.

Before I begin telling you what that is though, I would like to prelude with this memoir of how God rescued me. During my freshman year of college while I was involved in a relationship that did not

honor God, he captured my heart, and I gave my life to Christ). Like most relationships, my relationship at the time involved premarital sex and I was never bothered by it until I became a Christian. Even though I knew this was against God's word, I was never convicted (the anguished feeling sin gives to a believer causing them to want to change) because prior to being saved, the Holy Spirit was not in me to give me the ability to feel conviction. Once I started to feel that conviction, I knew I had to leave the relationship. In Thessalonians 4 it says:
 
"God's will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor—"
 
This verse made it clear that I should no longer be involved in sexual sin. I realized that I was now a child of the GOD, which meant I was no longer a slave to the desires of sin. However, even knowing this, I still struggled. WHY? Because I was very attached to him. So, I continued to live in disobedience to God just to please someone who I thought would always be there for me. I thought that my desire to be with him was just too strong; I couldn't 'give him up. Because I was so deceived by the world's idea and version of "love", I thought as long as he kept giving me the feelings I felt when I was with him and as long as I "had him"--regardless of how he treated me--I should stick around. 
 
I realized quickly, though, that this was not the case, and my true love was from God. I came to the realization that once you belong to God, you belong to God. If you don't listen to him and abuse his grace, he WILL discipline you, but you will ALWAYS belong to him. His love was different, constant because he's consistent, but also tough because he cares. He cares. I feel like I should say that a third time. Yes, The God of the Universe: HE cares.

After being deceived, cheated on, and abandoned, I STILL tried to hang on to this guy who, by now, completely gave up on being committed to me. I was still committed to him, though, especially emotionally. I guess I eventually became SO TIRED from desperately trying to get his attention, that I grew weary from wanting to be wanted, held, desired, and loved by him. Mentally, I decided that I was going to stay away from him, that I had, had enough. But of course my rebellious nature was still trying to hold on. 
 
I actually went a couple of months away from him and became proud that I 'stopped having sex'. But it's only so far you can get on your own strength. I was trying to uphold my own 'holiness' instead of depending on God to keep my desires away from lust, and I became weak. I decided to have sex again, and I went through the usual feelings: sad, broken, and begging God to forgive me. I prayed the same prayer: 'Lord, please forgive me for this, I want to live to glorify you. I felt his redeeming love and saving grace, YET AGAIN. -But this time even though the LORD remained the same, something about me changed: I was pregnant. It was too late, and now as a single woman who was ready to fully devote her heart to Christ, I realized the games I was playing with God were over. He was no longer going to allow it. In Hebrews 12, it says
 
"Do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
 and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all."
 
As my father, God knew that it would take a situation like an unplanned pregnancy out of wedlock to a man who didn't love me (the way I was suppose to be loved) for me to really understand the results of my sin and feel the weight of my disobedience to him. I was not only exposed, but I was also left broken, desolate, abandoned, and completely torn by the guy and from my sin. At 25 weeks the guy left me, for another woman, and I had to go through my entire pregnancy alone. Needless to say, aside from his verbal expression of no longer wanting to be with me, he went to another college two hours away which also contributed to his absence. So, I spent most of my pregnancy, in tears, in regret, and in pain, and I wanted to give up almost daily. But it was during this time that I truly experienced the close, intimate love, comfort, and forgiveness of God for everything I had done! This compelled me to surrender my heart to him once I saw his true love, FOR ME. From making that simple commitment in my heart, God shifted my focus from that guy to him, quickly. I realized that I was no longer living for myself but for my growing daughter and God, so I prayed everyday for God to "just please get me through this semester".
 
FINALLY, I gave birth to Jade on May 13, 2012, (right after I had just completed my last day of my sophomore year--which God not only allowed me to 'get through', but I made honors as well) and from then on, my whole life changed. I loved watching her grow, and a bond was formed that left me feeling inseparable from her. However, just four months after giving birth to Jade, we did separate. I had to return back to school (Fall 2012). After spending EVERYDAY with her for four months straight, it was hardest thing I ever had to do. My heart went into total shock; it felt like cardiac arrest. I missed her so much that I couldn’t even perform well in my classes. My grades sank, and I almost flunked out of the semester. I cried almost every night because I couldn’t stand being away from her. One night while I was praying and pouring my heart out to God, he assured me with this plan: that he needs me to stay on campus and start this ministry. He promised me that it would all be worth it, and one day, he would show me that. In psalm 25 it says:

"In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. 2 I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. 3 No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. 7 Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways, according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good. Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.13 They will spend their days in prosperity, and their descendants will inherit the land. 14 The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.15 My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare."
 
Once I read this psalm, I was assured that God will show me that this is his plan for my life and that he WILL REDEEM ME AND WHAT I WENT THROUGH, FOR HIS GLORY. It said that my descendant will inherit that land God promised to me (that included Jade and her children :-) and their children :-) ...) and that I will NOT be ashamed for following him ... So, I pushed through that last semester and did not go back home. 
 
A later year, my senior year of college leading,  I started (by the Grace and strength of God) a ministry called Testimony Tuesday where people come out and share how God saved them. 
He's also blessed me with my brothers/sisters in Christ who lead it with me (they also happen to be my best friends and truly a blessing and the anchors of my life!). I’ve seen people come broken and leave healed, atheists walk in to want to know more about Jesus, and even people coming to the saving knowledge of Christ that night. 
 
However, that night I didn’t know what God had in store for me. My sister brought my daughter Jade to the event. It also happened to be the same night the LORD put it on my heart to write a poem. This poem talked about everything that God brought me from, which of course entailed the story of me and Jade. As I stood there, about to begin my performance, Jade ran up to me while I was on stage, so I just smiled with the warmest feeling in my heart and picked her up. I then began reciting my poem, pouring out my heart to the listeners about how much God loves us and how he saved me. Then, I turned to the left, and I realized that the whole time, Jade was in my hands. I experienced that feeling of peace and serenity that God promised, exactly a year from that day, that he would show me for staying here on campus for HIM.
 
At that very moment, I realized it was ALL WORTH IT. Every tear, every pain, and every sorrow, that I experienced from the day she was conceived to last night where I was holding her in my hands while PREACHING THE GOSPEL, I knew that I was EXACTLY where God wanted me to be. Even though the whole situation started from my sin, he turned it AROUND for his Glory. And in Deuteronomy 7:9 it says:
"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God,the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love himand keep his commandments, {here it is} to a thousand generations {my daughterJade :) that includes her}"
 
One day, I will be able to show Jade this picture and explain to her the reward of TAKING A STAND for Christ by following HIM at all costs, even over her. And also explain to her the feelings of peace that only God gave me through the times that I was missing her. I can only imagine how God will use this story to reiterate his love to her through what he did for me and, yet again, pierce her heart with THE GOSPEL (the good news of God sending his son Jesus Christ to die for us so that we can have a personal relationship with God to glorify him).
 
The best thing I ever did for Jade was turn away from my sin to show her a life that is pleasing to God. Because when this earth passes away, when judgment day comes, I know that she saw my life and, in God's will, was influenced and saved from it. I will never forget the feeling of ministering and sharing the gospel with my (GIFT FROM GOD) in my arms--my ONE YEAR OLD daughter (at the time): Jade..
Thank you so much lord, for your love and faithfulness.